there are days..they creep on you and you know to expect them and they still crash on top of you with a force of a hurricane..chaos chaos..and i am aware its all in my head. its just me. me. me...but it doesnt help..why god why..have to stop this nonsense. must.

"Gravity, a mysterious carriage of the body to conceal the defects of the mind" - ezra pound

Notes on a Sunday afternoon:


What would be left of an edge if there was no space to embrace it? The sharpness of my existence is embellished by the space I carve around myself with the help of a heat of a mortal body. Would the ever increasing vertical abyss indicate an internal decay as when the blood rushes to the surface of the skin and the inner organs are left cold and almost lifeless? Such is a feeling of near emptiness –carcass with a promise to carry out a purpose but is there one greater than to separate a minor crack from an absolute one?

My body, a body that is well nourished and maintained, is craving for intangible matter. Looked after and preserved without the thought of a greater purpose it has spoken with a voice of a maltreated adult as if giving an account of the incidents of childhood. A body which is so aware of its senses and the numerous processes they produce that it often focuses on the joys of using those senses and is oblivious to the changes they incur. Oh which are so irreplaceable and often invisible to the soul yet most vital to one’s survival.

Craving dedication to life. Yes, same life out there filled with specimens of differing natures most of whom are embarrassing and disgraceful, yet heavenly and worthy of praise.

Why do we have to choose between the philosophical and the practical? It is not a choice vital to one’s physical survival....by far…And yet it is one that while or if neglected will weigh with the heaviness of infinity. [Is it her fault then to carry off such divine beauty that the passers by turn their heads and marvel at something she did not create, nor achieve? They praise the thing that was there without her being aware or willing to embrace and use it. An aristocrat of the mind with a face of a goddess. Little do I care about the manner she employs to make sense of the living and the lived…or do I really? Keeping our minds, my mind, on the subject shall be the primal task. Revisit the present to define beauty…is it really…aptness to purpose?..]


my sin. not going deep enough. not treading gently enough. not caring enough. not..

had such a lovelly weekend...started off with meeting sarah and annika at covent garden on friday after work. we got these shoes for sarah that she was dreaming off and then went to souk for some moroccan food..annika and sarah did photography and media studies together and then annika moved back to sweden, shes's now working as a drug coordinator for the county of her town which i found out only last night - we clicked immediatelly and didnt have to start off by asking those stupid and shallow "where are you from? what do you do for a living?" questions..shes amazing..so easy to talk to and makes you feel so at ease...love when you meet people like that who are not uptight or so high up their own arses and are just normal and can hold a conversation with any stranger. went home early cos wanted to do some serious shopping on saturday...were girls after all hehehe...i met them at oxford circus, off we go to starbucks to come up with a movement plan. so ....zara, mango, oasis, river island for me, topshop, debenhams, etc, etc, etc..i think thats a bit too much even for girls..anyway, we were rather productive and had a short (white wine) break at five so to pick ourselves up haha...more shopping in covent garden and then off to Christians...it was sooo so lovelly..i am so jealous of everyone who lives central and Christians has this nice cosy little flat in covent garden...ech...one day...so we finished two bottles of wine and whisky, waited for frederick and oh almost forgot....right, so sarah, little miss brains, decided to wear her new shoes on saturday and of course they were just killing her (stilletos+blood, doesnt sound very appealing) so half of the evening we were talking about Sass' feet and killer shoes (quite literally)...at some point sarah reminded everyone how i was pissing myself when i saw her young persons rail card photo...well then everyone had to see it :D omg, its something..christian didnt even recognize her! so as a result we saw freds, C's, annikas cards as well hahaha..my god how people change and thank god for that! oh and Fred has very short hair on his photo so what do we do? we vote that he should shave it off....and he did!!!! well, Christian shaved it off for him in the bathroom and we had a presentation in the bedroom :D omg...shocking...i liked it longer..we went to roadhouse sometime after midnight...music was absolutelly fabulous...we danced like mad...and all agreed it is a fantastic to be young and LIVE! well, Christian is turning 33 but nontheless :)
at some point someone asked what i wanted to drink and i just went - water please...he came back and i looked around and all 5 of us had water bottles in our hands :))) i had this tiny tiny tiny feeling of ecstasy - its takes so little as to see your friends drinking water in a night club at 3 in the morning, when everyone else is going circles under the influence of E, to realize you are in a very right place in your life...so naturally we were all almost sober and just before 4 a.m. went back to Christians place and had champagne on the roof wrapped in his duvet chatting about marijuana and waxing, favourite lines to say when you want to break up with someone, hair or no hair on the chest, and the softness of skin...it was in a word...amazing...i got home at 5.3o i think and did not sleep much, but the trip from covent garden to palmers was very smooth...even at this time of the night...loads of people of course so yeah..didnt feel like early morning at all..
had such a good day today as well...left to ikea as soon as i got up and returned some things i didnt want to keep...i had meatballs for breakfast!! delicious...oh and finally washed the fecking raw eggs out of my curtains. I am a hero.

let us celebrate

p.s. mandana, I lost one of your earings! :(:( oh and Christian says hi back to you :)

another morning, another escape.
nothing unusual.
as I walked home last night after saying goodbye to sarah and annika at finsbury park
i stuffed my head with music
with the sounds that do not
help or hurt but are there to transport me into the state of being i desire, crave, long
long
dreams...where everything is perfect. the face i see everyday does not escape me even when im asleep..and i do not wish to wake up. who chose on my behalf this reality?
if i could have one thing...if only i could..get closer..

xxxxxxx

woke up so early today...i could have gone to work but knowing how much reading ive done latelly that does not seem like a wise idea..the worst part about getting early though is i get more time in a day to be hungry..i know. how sick is that? all i had for breakfast was coffee and a pomegranate i had for over a month. need to do some shopping. pronto.

thinking if i should get myself out of bed and go to Ikea..not sure what time im meeting sarah and annika but were off shopping and then they might go on a london eye tour..hm...fascinating..oh shit..we should probably get some quality wine for the night at christians :/ hm..maybe not...

:)))))))))))
me iz happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
happy happy happy
the object of my affection complimented me on my hair today :P
:)))))))))))))))))))))
said it looks BEAUTIFUL when let down...

(well its very long now..the longest ive had it EVER i think...so all of my colleagues at work were surprised to see me today...mmm...very nice as Borat says..:)

:)))))))))

made my day!!!!!!

had such a calm and relaxing weekend...even too relaxing...got so bored by the end of it..yuck....but! the week seems to be good...no major plans. no exhibitions or shows to visit but sarah has a friend visiting from sweden so gonna meet them both later in the week..looking forward to it...
ive got a new habit :))) i read for ten fifteen minutes before i go to sleep...which is a HUGE achievement for me cos im so sick of reading at work that reading for pleasure can be quite depressing..but i found that reading just a few lines is better than not reading at all...hehhee...me little cheater ;)

mmm counting days until i go home..cannot wait to hug my mom and sleep in my bed..Oh and Vikute, were gonna go see Don Zuanas in Muzikinis teatras!! hahha...mano mamyte perka bilietus mums visoms rytoj, as sakiau, kad paimtu i prieki kur nors.. ten mano fleitos mokytoja duobej gros!...its gonna be ace :)))

so yeah.....
bloody cold here...

Ivaylo, if youre reading this, get in touch!!!!! you still alive there???? hows that beer???

sexy Carabossa and The Queen...

mmm
share delight......and the opera house..its magic....divine...we got there a minute before it started..and if youre late, they wouldnt let you in until the intermission. so we just made it...not going to work today...valio valio valioooo...feels fantastic...but gotta dash. have a lifesaving course to attend. and some italian pizzzzaaaaa for lunch...

yes yes yes yes and YES!!!!!!!
a must see...
omg...if youre so unfortunate that you happen to love america the way it is then you must rush to see the film!! :D its brilliant!!

oh I laughed out loud...and I couldnt stop..AMERICA AMERICA..mmmmm.......God, the cowboy scene....i was biting my lips through out the whole: Long Live Bush and let him feast on the blood of every man and woman and child of Iraq....yeah and clapping and yeahhh and more clapping....
and which gun is the best to shoot jews?? you cannot make this stuff up...

I would have loved history if I saw it in highschool :D

Thank God for Sasha Baron Cohen!!!!!!!!!

some of you asked me how I look now...so to save time sending photos..here you are..
i feel old!! i know i know....not even 25 yet :D

mmmm....yummy thyme tea with my dads honey...skanuuu skanuuu...I'm still a bit snotty but very proud of myself. I tried to remember the last time i was ill and I could not! Voila!..Honestly, i don't remember the last time i had to stay at home and be ill....so...the bloody cold flat does one thing well - no bacila will get inside us unbeaten. hehe.

We're off to watch the filming of Cirque de Celebrite...roll your Rrrrrsss people !!!

Will let you know if it was any good :) It should be funfunfun

p.s. do any of you listen to virgin radio? do you think they only have ten songs on their list? they keep playing the same songs over and over. how original.

at last! at last we did it...such a trial though..went there at 9 am but Tate opens only at 10 so naturally we were the first to stand outside the locked doors...im so glad sasha didnt show up...sarah and I were both so tired it wasnt even funny...i havent slept for more than 6 hours a day for the last two weeks i think but of course as soon as we got on the first slide the adrenalin kicked in and it was superb..i could go on and on about the lightness of your being and soul and the ever existent promisse of levitation in a certain state of mind and things of that sort but i think all that happens whil eyou are there for 5 seconds is....forgetting who you are..and it works magic..you focus on your life no matter how silly this might sound cos its so safe but Life seems to be the prime thought..and the motion and the disappearing act that you only realize while in the air..falling like a bullet....
fantastic. you will have to quee though so be prepared to waste(?!) 2 to 5 hours to get 10 seconds worth of excitement...its very very fast though and a bit scary so if you dont like that type of thing..stay away....its faster and more captivating than it looks too...

other than that...i might be coming down with a cold..so drinking thyme tea with dads honey and praying i stay healthy..cannot afford to be ill..too much is happening this week and other...:) cant be off sick..

oh x factors on! gotta go

so we intend to have a fantastic night..
marketa, iris, sarah and william and I...off we go to covent garden to grab a bite to eat..williams makes fun of my clothes and sense of style (or the lack of it), we chat, we listen, we eat, we drink. time for the cinema..marie antoinette it is..
and oh my god....PLEASE DO NOT go see it..i cannot believe i SURVIVED two hours of such torture...marketa and I fell asleep, iris was very nice and polite, sarah laughed and william threatened to kill me..i have not seen such crap...in a very long time...its the worst film i have seen latelly and the worst period drama ever so please please please tell everyone you know NOT TO waste their money on it...god, it should be banned from cinemas...honestly....

we all left the theatre nursing headaches..not sure whether this nightmare really happened...